The news that the Federal Government has forced UBS to give up the details of 4000 of its customers’ transactions has other financial institutions finding new ways to protect their clients. This has been greeted with dismay by one community. The following letter to the New York Times was intercepted and we provide it here in the interests of transparency.
As an international bank robber, may I say how much I deplore the underhanded way in which financial institutions are able to keep private details of how much money each of their clients has deposited. This makes my job so much harder. Indeed, we in the bank robbing community are working to improve our image after decades of negative coverage from conservative media and this could be enhanced by increased transparency, which would enable us to target only those banks and clients who have, for example, profited from the subprime mortgage market. We are also environmentally conscious. In our efforts to reduce greenhouse gases not only do we now use smokeless explosives, but transparency would enable us to leave alone the accounts and deposit boxes of carbon offset traders and Al Gore’s Hollywood friends.
Machine Gun Kelly, Ma Baker, Bonnie Parker and Clyde Darrow
See also: Baptists and Bootleggers