In a world awash in socialism and socialist agitators (I’m looking at you, Occupy Wall Street, MSNBC…) it’s good to know at least Santa Claus is kicking it old school. That’s right, Saint Nick is a conservative through and through, in spite of the red get-up.
Think about it: Santa doesn’t distribute toys in the willy-nilly, every-one’s-a winner liberal fashion. No, sir, you have to earn your toys from him — through decent behavior. Naughty boys net no toys. If Santa were a liberal he would give everyone a toy, whether they deserved it or not, and it would be the same toy, shoddily assembled by some government bureaucrat instead of crack private-sector elfin expertise.
Which brings us to another point — Santa is obviously independently wealthy (excellent capitalist creds) and is therefore able to write off his yearly sojourn as a massive and merry act of philanthropy, perfectly in keeping with the conservative philosophy of private charity over government largesse.
And look at his girth! Santa is Michelle Obama’s worst nightmare. No carrot sticks and rice cakes for Santa; he’s a fat man and happy for it (and why not? I hear Mrs. Claus is a chubby chaser). Cookies and milk is all the fuel he needs, and God, isn’t that awesome?
And there’s his ride — a small herd of reindeer gives off plenty of CO2 emissions, trust me. I’m sure Santa’s sleigh would violate every clean air standard on the planet, but he doesn’t care. For one night a year, Santa’s sleigh the pimpinist ride around, soaring high above the invasive x-rays and cold hands of the TSA.
So keep on keepin’ on Santa — you’re cool and free and happy, and therefore a terrible role model in the minds of liberal America.