When Metaphors Attack: Greenpeace Edition

We at Open Market HQ just received an email from John Coequyt at Greenpeace, responding to the President’s State of the Union remarks about global warming. In order to put us in the right state of mind to “TAKE ACTION” (Step 1: Donate to Greenpeace), John heads to the linguistic kitchen:

President Bush has let the issue of global warming simmer on the back burner of his presidency for 6 years. The scientific community and the rest of the world has heard the oven timer go off, but last night, President Bush continued to ignore the alarm as he served up a plateful of tepid solutions to a worldwide audience.

While the chef may finally have acknowledged the brewing problem, he failed to rescue the planet from the oven. His so-called solutions of “clean” coal and nuclear energy are a recipe for disaster. Well, we’re serving up a fresh new alternative to global warming with real solutions that don’t rely on nuclear energy or coal. Our plan would cut global CO2 emissions in the U.S. by almost 75% within the next 43 years. In fact, renewable energy and greater energy efficiency can deliver half of the world’s energy needs by 2050.

The President has failed to lead this country, or the world, on the issue of global warming. It’s up to Congress to pull us out of the global warming fire, and time is running out.

Hmmm…so global warming has been simmering on the back burner for six years, the timer has gone off, and Bush has served a plate of tepid solutions. Are those solutions from the global warming pot that’s been on the back burner, or someplace else? Also, if the earth is in the oven, what exactly is simmering on the stove? Wouldn’t global warming then be the oven itself? Or at least the heating element? Or perhaps even the insulation around the door? He also mentions the global warming fire — is that a grease fire somewhere on the range or is that a separate cooking fire, like over an open hearth, Colonial Williamsburg-style? Also, what does brewing have to do with any of this? I guess beer is carbonated, which is kind of a connection, but a pretty weak one.