Congratulations, New Grads, And Welcome To Indentured Servitude!

Congratulations, Class of 2015! The diploma you hold in your hands today is the most expensive thing you’ll ever own. Why? Because you will surely be too impoverished supporting us Baby Boomers to ever buy a house.

Surprised? Don’t be. Your so-called education is the culmination of decades of our hard work remaking the academy, the media, and our cultural institutions to better prepare your bodies, your minds, and your spirits for a lifetime of service.

Do the tens of thousands of dollars of tuition loan debt you carry feel like a heavy burden? Well, wait until you see what lies ahead! Generations of politicians have made promises you will be called on to keep. Promises to the elderly. Promises to retired public employees. Promises to farmers, corporate welfare recipients, foreign despots, too-big-to-fail bankers, food stamp recipients needy and not — hardly an interest group exists whose votes haven’t been bought with your money.

And those votes will make sure that politicians keep raiding your paycheck every week. For the rest of your working lives.

So go ahead, enjoy that graduation party! We’ll be the ones truly celebrating, as modern medicine helps keep us alive until we’re 120 years old, collecting 55 years’ worth of Social Security and Medicare payments. At least all the binge drinking you did in college will you get through what’s in store.

Depressed about being the first generation of Americans unlikely to do as well as your parents? Don’t worry, there’s a pill for that! For those of you not already hooked on Adderall, count on the latest pharmaceuticals to deliver the comforting torpor you’ll need to compensate for the lack of self-esteem and rugged self-reliance we’ve worked so hard to stamp out of American culture.

Worried about being homeless when we finally kick you out of our basements and move to that condo in Boca? Your starting salary — if you’re lucky to have one — will surely be enough to pay the rent on one of those 300-square foot micro-apartments we’ve convinced you are the hottest trend in real estate.

Sound a bit tight? It’s as much space as you’ll ever need seeing as how you’ll never be able to support a family, with 75 percent of your income siphoned off for important government programs. Plus, just think of all the money you’ll save by not having kids of your own! Money we’ll surely need for that hip replacement. And then there’s all the guilt you’ll avoid by not contributing to global population growth. Go out and buy yourself a nice dog. No need to save a quarter million dollars to send Rover to college, huh?

And just because you have to spend the rest of your life crammed into a rabbit hole alone doesn’t mean there’s no sex. Just not the committed married type. The relationship-free sex you once thought would last only through college isn’t a phase after all. There are plenty of apps to help you connect with your unmarried peers unable to settle down. And when real human contact ultimately becomes too complicated or burdensome, our new 3D VR porn is just as good as the real thing.

Can’t afford a car? Nasty things, cars, a genuine threat to the environment. The new sharing economy will provide you a bicycle never more than a block away. Have fun riding, because that’s the only autonomous transport you’ll have. But be proud that your carbon footprint will be a fraction of ours!