Ethanol mandates: The straw the broke the camel’s back

Ethanol mandates already made my steak cost more. Ditto my bacon, my eggs, and my cheese. In fact, the market ramifications of government-imposed demand for ethanol have made virtually all my groceries more expensive. Of course it stinks, but I have persevered, confident that Congress enacted ethanol mandates with the American consumer in mind, and not at the behest of an army of lobbyists employed by some huge multinational corporation, like, say, Archer Daniel Midland. After all, each gallon of ethanol produced by ADM gets us that much closer to energy independence, and thus to cheaper gasoline.

Today, however, the unintended consequences of ethanol mandates finally got to me. Now, I am officially outraged. Why? Because Congressional ethanol mandates have taken aim at my libido.

According to Reuters, Mexican farmers are busy setting ablaze agave fields. Agave plants, source of America’s favorite liquid courage, tequila, simply cannot compete with record corn prices. So, in order to make room for corn, Mexican farmers are burning off their existing agave stocks. As with anything bought and sold, when there is less of it, we pay more for it. We have seen this dynamic before with other grains which were also forsaken to accommodate more corn.

But I can live in a breadless world. Bread doesn’t make me funny. Not like fermented agave nectar does. Indeed, without cheap, abundant tequila, I am saddled with the same inhibitions that make me so awkwardly lame around women during the non-fun hours of the day. That is, before tequila time. I know I am not alone. I know millions of poor, somewhat attractive, balding guys the world over rely on tequila to give them self-confidence in social situations. Our day of reckoning is near, my brothers, and the time for commiseration is at hand. So let us raise a double shot of Montezuma high in the air and rue the day ADM got its way.